And now I live
by x.Jas.x
Summary: They say that before you die, your entire life flashes before your eyes' A dying Anakin, relives his past... every memory, every action, every mistake......


I dont own anything! George Lucas is the creator! pleasedont sue me... i have no money: ( Also the title and end phraseis not mine, its from aCharles Tischbournes poem. Oh yeah, and this is my first post here so please let me know what you think, im open to any comments! hope you enjoy it: )

* * *

'Luke, help me take off this mask… let me look at you with my own eyes.'

They say that before you die, your entire life flashes before your eyes… And here, at the end of all things tainted… _I finally see._

I see so clearly my life… my ruin… _my_ failure. Memories I thought were forever lost, return to me and begin to flood my mind… And for each memory I shed a tear… for _each_ memory…

* * *

So many years ago, they intervened in my monotonous though pained life, seeing that I had the ability and the power to become something much greater than a little boy from Tatooine. Being a child, I hardly realised the responsibilities I would have bestowed upon me. To me, it was all a game. A way to leave the ongoing troubles and worries of an enslaved childhood behind. My mother, of course, realised how this opportunity would most certainly be the only one I would have to move on to better life, and so, she agreed to my training amongst the Jedi. I vividly recall promising her that one day I would return for her and that I would grant her freedom. I _believed_ I could achieve so much.

I finally see.

As time hurried on, I found myself under the teaching of Obi Wan. A wise, determined but also caring Jedi knight. He very quickly became a father to me… I would look up to him, seeing a gentle face, willing to accept my faults but also able to encourage me to improve in every way possible. So many times I tried to be perfect for him, to be a true Jedi and to make him proud… So many times I failed.

I finally see.

The years went by and I soon found myself looking upon a familiar face… Padme… my angel. Overcome by my feelings, I remembered our first meeting back on Tatooine. I went as far as telling master Obi Wan how I had dreamt every night of seeing her again since the celebration on Naboo, how the very thought of being around her was intoxicating… She was beautiful, and it was when the council gave me the assignment of guarding her on the journey back to her home world… I fell in love with her. A voice in my head was telling me this was horribly wrong… that love and attachment was forbidden to the Jedi… but it didn't matter to me. When I was around her, my worries didn't seem so important, my problems didn't seem so many and my life didn't seem so hopeless. I had a purpose, and that was to make her happy. I can still see her smiling at me, her eyes glistening, gazing up at me with pure love and affection. I can still hear her sweet laughter, though now, after all that has happened, these memories seem more bitter than sweet.

I finally see.

I saw her… I saw her in a clouded dream… dying. My mother was dying and I was supposed to let her life end? No. Disobeying the will of the council and of Obi Wan I set off back to Tatooine to save her… to finally free her. I had it all planned out in my mind. I would go back to the home I left so long ago and find my mother. She would smile and say that she'd been waiting for me all these years - that she had always known I would go back for her - that I wouldn't break my promise… But I was too late. She had been alone for too long… I had failed her. Now she had left me. I still remember the thoughts that flashed through my mind whilst I recklessly slaughtered those tusken raiders. Directly or indirectly they had been the cause of my mothers pain and death… They didn't deserve life. They deserved brutal deaths… And at the time, I felt it was my right to give them that.

I finally see.

And so the war began… Days after Padme and I had married, we were ripped apart, and once again I had to leave the one I loved. Of course, no one knew of our marriage… Our love had to be kept hidden. More than once I felt the need to tell someone though… More than once I almost admitted to Obi Wan what had gone on between me and Padme on Naboo… but I could not tell him the truth. It was then that the council felt it was time to promote me to the rank of Jedi knight. I was more that grateful, though at times I felt slightly annoyed it had taken them so long to realise how capable I was. Nevertheless, after my knighthood, my relationship with Obi Wan changed somewhat. Instead of master and pupil, we became closer than friends… almost _brothers._

I finally see.

I was outraged… completely outraged. Of course I understood the masters suspicions as to why Senator Palpetine would want me on the council…. But to agree to this and not grant me the rank of master was humiliating. At the time I believed they thought I lacked loyalty and even ability… ironic how if they had gone by my wishes and honoured me with the rank of Jedi master, I most likely would have had no reason to not trust them… ironic how even now I could argue that the Jedi masters almost pushed me to make the decisions I did… though now there is no one left to argue with…_ ironic_…

I finally see.

Padmes face… tears… calling my name… desperate for help… so much hurt in her eyes. That's what I foresaw… But this time I was not going to fail. Padme had only told me she was with child a few weeks before the dreams began… the visions. I knew of the cruel destiny that awaited her. She was to die in childbirth, but I was going to save her… I was going to find a way to defy the fate already written for her… I would not fail her… I would find a way… I _would_… at _any_ cost…

I finally see.

He said he was proud of me… For that I was grateful, though also momentarily shocked. My master who, on many occasions, I'd deliberately disobeyed and continuously burdened with my own worries… was proud of me. That was the last time I saw him through the eyes of Anakin Skywalker. Through the eyes of a man uncorrupted by the darkness that lay waiting in his almost broken soul. Through eyes not clouded but through truthful windows looking out at the world, clear as the smile on Obi Wans face as he glanced back at me before leaving… before leaving.

I finally see.

He promised her safety… and I was desperate to help her. I did not want the power, the supremacy, the rule over the empire… All I wanted was her. Padme… If I'd have known what the overall outcome would have been, Palpetine would have died that day in place of Mace Windu… but I couldn't see past the sith lords promises of Padmes wellbeing… and I fell… oblivious to the truth… unconcerned of the consequences… undisturbed by the sheer brutality of what I was doing… _I fell forever_…

I finally see.

She began shaking her head in disbelief, tears pouring down her sweet face, backing away from me as if I were a monster… and then I saw her heart break… because of me… all because of me… I'd only wanted her to be happy, to be safe but my actions… my mistakes had torn her apart and she no longer looked at me with gleaming eyes, or with a gentle smile... Instead she cried... Eachof her tears expressing the icywords shecouldn't bear tospeak... Each of her tears still falling on my skin, burning and staining me forever.I had brought her so much pain and now that time has passed I still don't understand how I allowed myself to be the cause of her tears…

I finally see.

It was Obi Wan, my master, who gave me my last and most invaluable lessons… he showed me that some wounds dig too deep to cure with words… that he would have saved me if he felt there was any hope left… that I had gone too far, and had realised it too late… _I had failed_ once more…

I finally see.

Vagueness… the only memory I hold of my life after Padmes death… vagueness. Bound eternally in a mechanical prison, my vision blurred and my mind too tired to question why and how she had been left to die when that was what I'd been promised would not happen. Locked through my own doing, in a suit of metal and a mind of guilt, Anakin skywalker lost the will to live.

* * *

And for each memory I shed a tear…

Though now memories of old no longer matter… the past is over and democracy can flourish… But still I find myself wishing…

If only my meeting with Qui Gon had been in vain, then perhaps the death and destruction that followed would not have been a part of my own destiny. Though now it is too late…

I am old… Yet I feel I have never lived.

I have seen many days linger by… Yet they now seem abrupt.

I haveplagued this world… Yet now it shall be my tomb.

I have been enslaved all my life… Yet could not realise by whom.

I have held precious my angels memory…Yet have felt lost since the day she died…

Though now, I finally see…

…And now I live…

…And now my life is done.


End file.
